This week I ruffled some feathers when I used the term ‘working mum’ in an article I wrote for the corporate world. It was a slap in the face for someone who feels strongly about supporting mothers who choose (or have little choice) to work.
The offence? Apparently ‘working mum’ suggests: “she’s a mum first and a worker second”. The complainant argued that some women prefer a ‘professional front’ at work, avoiding the term ‘working mum’ because it suggests they might be prone to slacking off, because they have kids.
Ah…that old chestnut again. I’ve written about the plight of undercover mums and dads: too afraid to be open about the demands of parenthood, lest they are seen as soft or unreliable at work.
This makes me angry. It makes me angry because once again we sweep that really hard and important stuff that comes with balancing a career with parenthood under the carpet, because apparently it’s ‘just not professional’.
So now I’m the one with the ruffled feathers because, as an out-of-the-closet mother who works, am I to be judged unprofessional?
And by out-of-the-closet, I don’t mean I run around showing photos of my kids to anyone who looks at me sideways. For me, an out-of-the-closet mum is someone who is prepared to say: “Sorry, I can’t fly to Melbourne tonight because I need to be with my children.”
Before I go any further, can I state for the record that I ‘get’ that ‘business is business’. Sometimes there is ‘unexpected stuff’ that pops up that just has to be done. I’m one of the first to suck it up and try every avenue possible to get that ‘unexpected stuff’ done because, quite frankly, I have an ego and care about doing the best job I can.
But when this ‘unexpected stuff’ places unreasonable pressure on my family that I consider to be unsustainable, I speak up. And when I do speak up, I tell the truth because I think it’s important for those around me to know that, just like them, there is a human side to me, as well as a professional side. My human side is my family, with very real needs. I can’t cover this up.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: ‘Healthy parenting’ (or lack of) is often cited as critical for a healthy society. If we are to progress this notion we need to question why so many of us are fearful to be open about the demands of parenthood?
But wait! There’s more! Before I duck my head in anticipation of the comments about to come my way…just for the record:
- ‘Working dad’ is a term I am more than happy to use for those who do their fair share of work on the family and domestic front. But let’s be honest, we’ve got a long way to go until more dads feel empowered (or in some cases motivated?) enough to tell their boss or colleague: “I need some time off to take my sick son/daughter to the doctor”. Indeed, a whole other post…
- I understand why non-parenting workers feel peeved when working parents have to run out the door, because I’ve been in their shoes. I have no answer for this problem, other than suggesting we talk about it, instead of throwing each other filthy looks.
- I have nothing against ‘stay-at-home-mums’. In fact, I applaud them for their patience and mental stamina. We all have different circumstances that we must respect.
- And finally, the complainant mentioned in this post does not represent the views of the company I am currently working for (through a very generous part-time and flexible contract).
Mrs Woog says
June 27, 2011 at 12:22 pmI am a currently out of work failed homemaker stay at home mum. X
ClaireyH says
June 27, 2011 at 12:31 pmI am out of the closet working mum, part time in an office of suits.
I have pictures of my kids on my wall and their artwork.
I have general managers email me things that they think I might be interested in, only because it is parenting related. I don’t mind, because I am a parent.
Sure i leave on time a lot, but I catch up at home, they know that when I send them emails on Friday nights at 1am it is because I am getting back to them when I can.
I love being a mum, I love working. I love being a working mum, whatever people want to think of me.
Cath says
June 27, 2011 at 12:34 pmI’m thought I’d post something intelligent, interesting and that added to your excellent discussion… except that I too am just sooooo angry about the plight of mums in the professional world. Been there, done that, got the (emotional) scars to prove it. Being my own boss may not be as financially lucrative (yet!), but the time I have had with my son since I traded in the career is possibly the best investment I have ever made.
Ms Styling You says
June 27, 2011 at 2:18 pmI’m very happy to be a work for myself mum. Have been working mum before. Didn’t like the looks received when hogging all the school holiday slots for annual leave … or the looks received at 3pm when leaving … Looks from people who didn’t see you arrive at 7am.
Denwise aka Denyse Whelan says
June 27, 2011 at 2:55 pmJust “found” you here 😉 glad to say am “no longer a working mum” or a ” mum who has a job outside the home too” or ( insert words of choice) because I am too bloody old!
Was in the full time paid workforce as a teacher & eventually school principal from the time my kids were under one till they were having their kids!
Yes teaching is a ” good job” when you are a parent … Kinda sorta
no-one should need to justify their at home role as often as many do.
I know that it can be incredibly stressful to ” justify” at home needs and parental responsibilities (see Ms Styling You) but without parents having kids there’d be no future workforce, blah blah blah.
Sorry, I’m not being pessimistic. It really is time to see that parents who want & need to work outside the home are also recognized for the times they need to care for kids. When will there stop being such negative responses to this? You said it very well. Thank you, Lisa!
kimbalee007 says
June 28, 2011 at 1:39 amwell as a survivor of PND (though the battle is ongoing), I have to work. I’m appalled at the attitude towards working mums. Nobody’s circumstances should be questioned in the workplace. As long as you contribute in some way, are a team player and are treated fairly is all that should matter. I need to work for my sanity, but having no family support I also have to be there for my child when daycare closes. My husband,for various reasons, cannot. Although it is a sad fact that he does not like to ever ask for “family” time off, to pick up his child, or whatever, for fear of retribution. So we haven’t really come of age in the work place very much have we? I will still continue to work, and i have no choice but to continue being a mum! Working keeps the “wolf” from the door, because it is keeping me from depression, and therefore i’m not contributing to yet another problem in society, a rise in mental health.
coachmi says
June 28, 2011 at 2:10 amHi Lisa, thanks for the refreshingly honest post! I was once a “working mum” (corporate) and am still a “working mum” (self-employed). Still get the “looks” but now it’s at the school playground when they wonder why you can’t help out at all the various activities/fundraisers/committees.
Ah, you just can’t win!
Maxabella says
July 15, 2011 at 1:25 pmAs a mum of 3 little ones with a ‘big’ corporate job, I feel exactly the same way. I am a working mum, my husband is a working dad, we are working parents. If that makes me ‘unprofessional’ then so be it. I’d rather my work spoke for itself rather than my ‘professionalism’ anyway.
And if my ‘non-parenting’ colleagues want to kick up a fuss about the fact that I work from home one day a week, don’t work at all one day a week and do a lot of my work from my smartphone while I’m here there and everywhere, well I just tell them that you don’t need to be a parent to manage your work-life balance in a way that favours life.
That said, I’m not crazy enough to think that there won’t be a compromise somewhere along the way, which is okay. I don’t want an ‘even bigger’ job than I already have anyway so I’m happy if I’m last in line for a promotion. That’s just the way it is and I accept it and I’m grateful for the flexibility above all else. x
Jodie Ansted says
July 16, 2011 at 3:56 amLike I mentioned the other night, I’ve seen this thought process as per your complainant in action at the large corporate bank I worked for before the 9yo came along. I hope attitudes have changed since then. I suspect many have, but I’m sure there is still the odd one or two or three who can’t see the forest for the trees, if you know what I mean.
You’re a clever chooky and I love that you’re not afraid to speak your mind. It will serve you well, lovely. 😉 xxx
UrbanPolyester says
July 28, 2011 at 12:59 amI’m NOT a working mum (or wife for that matter) and I also feel the pressures of working unpaid overtime to get ever increasing workloads completed. I have a ‘working Dad’ for a boss and a ‘working Mum’ as a senior manager though, who both manage some form of work/life balance. My issue is with the amount of work that is expected to be completed by an ever reducing number of actual employees, regardless of their home status.
Erin says
October 10, 2012 at 8:33 amI just wish everyone would stop using the term ‘working MUM’. Why does everyone feel compelled to single out if people are mothers in addition to whatever else they are – athletes, actors, business-people, politicians, entrepreneurs etc etc like it’s soooo amazing and unbelievable that women who’ve had a child can do something else too AND be good at it? We don’t single out working dads in relation to every role / title / occupation / skill etc so why single out when people are mothers? Why not just call working mothers and working fathers ‘working parents’ – let’s start thinking equality in the way we speak and stop singling mothers out all the time. It makes a example of them as something out of the ordinary, something to be wondered at and discussed as a hot topic. During the London Olympics the commentators made great spectacle about our women athletes who were also mothers, but they didn’t mention any athletes who were fathers, or give special pats on the back to athlete fathers in our contingent for an extra good job well done for also being a father. It’s patronising and condescending and I’m so, so, so sick of it. Look around, it’s absolutely everywhere in advertisements and social commentary. It’s ‘working parents’ (not working mums). It’s ‘parents get it’ not ‘mums get it’ (thanks BabyLove Nappies). it’s ‘busy parents’ and ‘busy working parents’ not ‘busy mums’ and ‘busy working mums’. Fathers look after their kids too. Fathers take their sick kids to the doctor too. Fathers cuddle their kids too. Fathers change nappies too. Fathers feed their children too. Fathers pick their kids up from school too. Fathers wipe the kitchen bench too. Fathers put loads of washing on too. Fathers are doing all these things too, not just mothers. At least they do where I live. These stereotypes will never change unless people start re-thinking the mum and dad roles and how we refer to them. A good way is to start inserting the word ‘parent’ into every sentence which reads ‘mum’, like ‘working mums’. Go on, give it a try… ‘working parents’… Now doesn’t that sound better?
Lisa Lintern says
October 10, 2012 at 8:52 amGreat comment. Alas I’m not sure there are enough households like yours. Fathers SHOULD do all the things you have listed, but I know many who don’t. Many.